golfchica1209 (golfchica1209) wrote,

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I love Justin to peices but he does not understand me... He does not understand my silence and why I come home and shut the world out... there are only 2 people in this world that understand this and they are not here... I feel alone and no one to turn to. I am keeping it all in. I will not cry I must not cry I must stay strong for myself.

I feel like this year has just gone way out of hand... I move out of a house I honestly was happy just denied it... where I treated people there like crap and wish I could take it back.

I moved in with my aunt and was BEYOND truly not happy so I bought a dog knowing I would not be able to keep him there so that I had to move. I moved back in with my mom and was not happy there as well until Justin moved in. I was happy then. Beucause I had a friend that cared about me and would distract me from my depression. We then got our own apartment and I felt way grown up. From there stuff started to fall again. I was selfish and hated being home alone and I hated how we was gone every weekend. Now I am here to support us and now my grandma is dying. Every day I have to hear how much so has left which trust me is not long at all. You have someone tell you that the one person you love so very much is going to be taken away from you forever. I feel sick to my stomach. I don't eat like at all!!! I don't sleep and I have mono so I am tired. I feel so empty. My friends ask me to go out but I dont want to because I dont want to numb myself with booze. I dont want to turn into my mom who has been drinking 2 bottles of wine a night.

I just want to wake up and it be March 2006 again... I want a redo then I could fix everything and I would not treat them like dirt I would not hit them I would not hurt them I will pay my bills on time and help out around the house with out being asked my room would always be clean maybe I would be happy and then I would have another 2 more years with my Grandma.

ok thats enough for me I have nothing else to say...
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