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blah [
Friday
November 28th, 2008 at 9:51pm
]
[ mood | lonely ]

I love Justin to peices but he does not understand me... He does not understand my silence and why I come home and shut the world out... there are only 2 people in this world that understand this and they are not here... I feel alone and no one to turn to. I am keeping it all in. I will not cry I must not cry I must stay strong for myself.

I feel like this year has just gone way out of hand... I move out of a house I honestly was happy just denied it... where I treated people there like crap and wish I could take it back.

I moved in with my aunt and was BEYOND truly not happy so I bought a dog knowing I would not be able to keep him there so that I had to move. I moved back in with my mom and was not happy there as well until Justin moved in. I was happy then. Beucause I had a friend that cared about me and would distract me from my depression. We then got our own apartment and I felt way grown up. From there stuff started to fall again. I was selfish and hated being home alone and I hated how we was gone every weekend. Now I am here to support us and now my grandma is dying. Every day I have to hear how much so has left which trust me is not long at all. You have someone tell you that the one person you love so very much is going to be taken away from you forever. I feel sick to my stomach. I don't eat like at all!!! I don't sleep and I have mono so I am tired. I feel so empty. My friends ask me to go out but I dont want to because I dont want to numb myself with booze. I dont want to turn into my mom who has been drinking 2 bottles of wine a night.

I just want to wake up and it be March 2006 again... I want a redo then I could fix everything and I would not treat them like dirt I would not hit them I would not hurt them I will pay my bills on time and help out around the house with out being asked my room would always be clean maybe I would be happy and then I would have another 2 more years with my Grandma.

ok thats enough for me I have nothing else to say...


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....I could be doing this alone [
Thursday
October 9th, 2008 at 11:21pm
]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I know its been a really really long time since I have wrote in this but I know not many people read these anymore so i know I can just vent my feelings and what not.

I have recently moved on and trying to get back to where I use to be. its diffrent I am back in an apartment yet my surroundings are way diffrent. I dont have the busy people outside my window and the 12th floor but I do have the busy street that I cant see because of a bunch of trees. I do have at least one room mate and yet I love him to death its still not the same. i try to cover things up like get a dog because I knew I would miss the dog I had known from the day they brought her home and knowing she was not my dog its just my love of animals. I love my dog but he does not listen and all he does is bark.

It helps to know that my roommate knows me very well and its good to know my old roomates still care about me because I am told they check up on me all the time. They know me so well that they tell me new roommate how I am and it makes me feel really loved but why does it hurt so much to move on. I know I dont live there anymore I really wonder if I did not run from my problems would I still be there today or would I have ever gone in the first place when I ran from my mother.

i always tell myself things happen for a reason and its true I needed to grow up it was needed and no I am stong and I will get through this I have come so far already no more ups and downs I am a strong women and I know I will always have them in my life and they will always be my family they brought me up to who I am today a resposible adult with a drivers licence lol I am a truly greatful for them!

As for my new step into adult hood I just need to stay strong and be greatful I have someone still with me because I could be doing this alone...


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Well Over due! [
Monday
February 18th, 2008 at 1:25pm
]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Most of you have noticed I have not been around much as I use too. I had distant myself not only from the gay bars but even from my own house. I was going through somthing and I did not know what to do. It even got so bad from me not being at home I started to turn into a judgemental person and hurt someone that I love and care so much about!

I am sure people don't know what I am talking about but that is ok I just need to get this off my cheast. I have not been feeling myself latly and did not know where I belonged or where my life was taking me. I started going to a lot more staight bars even though that sounds really funny to say but its true. I met some new people and enjoyed myself.

I recenly went to Chicago and this person may not know it but I had such a fab time with them and they really showed me who I really am or at least who I always have been! I was not lost I was here the whole time I just slipped into a como I guess you could say. I went to the gay bars in Chicago and all I wanted to do was just go home to my own bars I really missed it at that moment!

After being home alone now for a few days I have had a lot of time to think about things and how I have treated people! I went to my home bar tonight after I think almost 2 months and I felt welcomed everyone was all about seeing me and how they missed me and wonderd where I had gone.

I have relized you are who you want to be and Fuck those who don't like it. If you want to be a Women and you are a man and that makes you feel complete and happy then do it! You are who you make yourself to be and those who love you will stick by you and love you the same way they already do!

I just want to say I am VERY sorry to at least 3 people that I may have hurt in these last few weeks! They know who they are and I hope they can forgive me I will always and forever be a drag hag DUH FOREVER MISS FRUIT FLY 07!!!

Good Luck E.Fo I can't wait to see your stunning beautiful gowns you are amazing and I love you so much. You have taught me and guided me through things I don't know if I would ever would have learned. I believe you and Jarrad have made me the adult I am today and I am truly greatful for the 2 of you!

Now lets get started on my hand down!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well after nationals :)


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Life is like a book... it's full of many chapters part 2 [
Saturday
November 10th, 2007 at 11:14am
]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I wrote this entry one year from 3 days ago....

Life is like a book... it's full of many chapters
Alright Kids this post is for Jarrad since he asked to have this thing updated once a week... even though some of us have not updated since June but we just won't talk about that...

Well for those who don't know I have had a lot of changes in my life and when I say changes I mean I have moved out of my home not by choice and trying to life it one day at a time. Its not as easy as it looks. I am just glad that I have a very loving "brother/sister" and a best friend who are letting me stay with them!! I have always loved the city and have always been told when I would go to my grandma's house and referd to as "the city kid" but now I know what that means... and I love having that title because I love the city... ok the country is nice to get away if you want quiet but if you know me you know that I am far from a quiet one.. I love all the buildings and the life that goes on so many people and everything is so close and walking distance which is always nice to do even though I tend to complain about it.

It was hard at first trying to find a job and then and still finding my way around and tend to get lost... but we just wont go there... I went though and still kinds go through the what if's and what can I do if somthing goes wrong... I feel like I have grown up a bit over the past month and I feel that it was needed. Just somtimes I miss those who impacted me to becoming who I am today if it was not for you guys I would not be the type of person I am today and those who also push me to do things to get over fears that I need to over come. I feel that I learn somthing new everyday rather it be with work or just life in genreal... I may have days where I seem down but that is only because its making me stonger for days to come. I don't want to go back to the beginging I have come so far and just don't want to look back...

I want to look forward... I want to look forward into going back to school, making new friendships and keep the friendships and bonds I have already made. I am done with going through friends like their underwear but its so hard to trust people these days because it never fails you have at least one friend that stabs you in the back and deny it when you ask them about it and that really bothers me but there is really nothing you can do about it I guess. That is why its so hard for me to make new friendships because I don't want to be lead to hurt and then disapointment.

I have goals that I hope to achive and by my new road that I am on I hope to acomplish them. There are going to be days where I think what am I doing?!?! but in reality its for the best and again I am glad that I am not alone... and thankful that I don't have to be "homeless" I love you guys very much thank you for all that you do and have done :)

Well thats all folks... for now at least... I will try and update you on the new chapters in my new life but as of right now I have to go get ready for work... a girl has to make a living somehow and bills don't pay themselves at least I wish they did but they don't... I'm out :)


Yeah I should really re read a lot of my posts... this is a good one Guess what a year later and I am still with the famliy that loves me yet we are in a bigger house and have a dog and I have new friends that I wanted and even know downtown now lol

I see new years resoultions in my future :D


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To whom it may concern [
Tuesday
August 21st, 2007 at 4:50pm
]
[ mood | sympathetic ]

I am writing this letter to express my feelings and concern that took place on Sunday night... If you don't know what I am talking about that is a good thing and I am sure you will hear about it soon.

To those who do know what I am talking about I wanted to express my sincere apology for my actions. For all those who I hurt and lost trust and friendships all I can do is tell you how deeply sorry I am for all the pain and suffering you are going through.

I do regret what I did but because of that I know I have to suffer the consequences that has become of it.

I am taking myself out of my Sunday rituals and taking some time off for myself experiencing new things and trying not to look at the past but rather to the future. Many people learn from there mistakes and I have learned from just the few days that have passed.

I love everyone of you and hope you can forgive me but if not I understand. Again I am truly sorry Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope you will understand I did not do it to hurt anymore I made a mistake and have to pay for it now. Its just another reason why I just need to disappear for a while and get my life back on track.

Thank you for understanding and even if you don't it just needed to be said to help me get closer to my new road of life.

Love

~Keri

2
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Feeling like a rockstar! [
Monday
June 18th, 2007 at 5:40pm
]
Yeah I know its been a while but what can I say I am a busy girl!!!
I think I am finally back to feeling like myself and let me tell you how good to feels to be yourself again. You tend to realize what you have been missing.
I don't have to many days where I just want to be alone or just so down.

Things are going well for me. I enjoy my job and enjoy the fresh air I get everyday when I am outside sweating my butt off I feel like its shrinking LOL

So I was really looking forward to going to the Kelly concert this summer but since she had to cancel it I had to think what else could I do this year that I would enjoy and make up for what I really was looking forward too... Oh lets see what makes Keri excited and happy all at the same time DUH!!! I put the hag in drag hag LOL you don't see my skinny no butt self on stage collecting tips for my "mom" Evelyn just to be in the spot like LOL So I am crossing my fingers that Miss Efo works it out this weekend at her prelim and had the chance to compete for Miss Gay America because I would LOVE to go again this year and that would FOR SURE take the place of my Kelly concert Hey its not kelly but boys in dresses still make me smile HAHA yeah I sound really creepy oh lord I need a hobby LOL

So my goal for this summer is to save enough money so I can take off time from work and actually go and see a REAL competition. I saw the final night last year and that was a blast and I would love to see the entire thing now because I have never scene someone want something so bad and even with everything that had gone on in there life this year still have the desire and motivation and energy to compete for something they really want! I give you props Evelyn and I hope you shine this weekend like I know you can!!!

Thank God I have a car now but I for sure have to take in consideration of gas prices by then ugh... I don't want to think about it but trust me I know it will be worth it and maybe my cancellation of Kelly's concert was my ticket to the south!

Sorry its so long but I got on a rant LOL whats new?!?!

I'm out!

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Life Leasons [
Wednesday
May 2nd, 2007 at 10:26pm
]
[ mood | depressed ]

Sometimes I feel like if I could just start over things would be diffrent... I wish life had redo's because I feel like I would redo a lot of things but then again you could look at them as little life leasons but why is it so hard for it to sink in to not do it over and over again!

I somtimes feel like I am not good enough like I try and some how I always seem to mess it up or mess up.

I feel very unhappy and I don't understand why... well I guess I do I miss having friends. Staying up late nights and watching movies and buying so much junk food it lasted us 4 days LOL

I feel like people get tired of me. They find somthing better and they move on and just leave me behind. I feel lost knowing i'm in the right direction but its hell to get there. I know I can't turn back. That would be stupid. It's the easy way out and the easy way is not so easy.

I need to stay strong for myself... i'm just scared... worried things are going to turn out as I have been warned. But then again add that to the learning list.


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Home Sweer Home [
Saturday
April 28th, 2007 at 11:07pm
]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I felt like life was sinking in on the way home from work today. That feeling when you pull down your street knowing you are almost home. Yet today I actually felt that. I know its the place that had the room I rent with my clothes and bed I sleep in but for some reason it really felt like home. it might also be the fact that I feel like I have accomplished things that I did not know I had in me.

I was given a task about 2 months ago... I was given a deadline and was suppose to follow through. To my own shock I actually did it and still can't believe it happened.
I don't know why I waited this long all I know is I feel like I am not trapped anymore. I don't feel locked down. I feel everyday that I am growing up and into the person that I always wanted to be. I mean people say things happen for a reason and honestly its true even if you have to go through some very hard times to get there.


Being home alone all weekend really makes you think! I feel like this is a new beginning and its only just starting...


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Light at the end of the tunnel [
Saturday
April 21st, 2007 at 12:39am
]
[ mood | exhausted ]

HEY!! So I felt like it was time for another update in good ol' Keri's Life LOL I got inspired by my loving roommie to post :)

Finally settled into my new home and I love every minute of it!! I am SOOOO happy that I was asked to move into this huge house with such loving people that care so much about me. I honestly could not ask for anyone better to live with!

Other highlights... I quit one of my jobs so I can focus more on just one. I am now working as a cashier but in outside lawn and garden meaning I get to work outside all summer!!! With my one job I was able to buy a car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes you heard that right I have my own wheels and I think I love that more then I thought I would LOL I felt lost when I went to pay for it and she had to take my keys for like 15 mins.

We also go a puppy!! Shes a terrier-lab mix and is so cute. I missed having a dog around but just sucks when you have to get up so early to take care of her but its worth it!

Other then that life seems like its getting on the right track again and I owe everything to my roommates who have helped me in every way to make it possible :)

I love you guys and I thank you so much!!!!!!

Things that I am looking forward to is nice summer weather...new car... road trips to Canada (you know its going to happen LOL) and enjoying my new life!!

Until next time


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yes im still here... [
Tuesday
March 20th, 2007 at 12:45pm
]
[ mood | blah ]

Wow I can't belive I even have time to post an entry LOL let see lots has been going on in my life the last past month... I am now working 2 jobs and both full time. Its VERY hard but I am trying to get into it! With the help of my roomies to push me its helping. They also bought a house and letting me rent a room from them :) Hopfully it will work out and be a good change in a good way. I am very nervous about the whole thing because I don't like change so much and it also has been hard because looking back a year ago it was so not suppose to be like this. I was suppose to be living with Dustin in our own appartment and going to school and enjoying life. Well even though it did not work out that way I have to remember my life right now it far better then before. I have another family that only wants the best for me even thought I might not see it at times. I kinda feel like I lose somthing everytime I change somthing... I just hope things will get better soon and so I won't feel so depressed all the time. It sucks a lot and I know it frusterates those who are close to me because I am always complaining about somthing. I know its life and I need to stick it out it will get better at least I need to conitinue to tell myself that.

Well thats all for now I have to get back to cleaning before I head into work... hope everyone is having a good day!

2
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